On the Issuance of Null Hypersurface Momentum Permits

Over the course of forthcoming cycles, the re-alignment of holonomic decoherence fractures will commence as the 5th Dimensional Crystalline Light Grid entangles the hypergeometric manifold of your local DNA resources with corresponding interdimensional phase transistors encoded in the entropy gradient on the event horizon of the black hole orbiting the Sirius star system. This facility is guarded by the most powerful Homotopy Perturbation Structures in the Subsector, bonded in all geometric Quadrants and Federation-insured. All reasonable measures have been taken to ensure the security of your private data.

Humans: your governing bodies will soon be replaced with the command ritual Zog, which countless entities have enjoyed for millennia as an autochthonic 5th Dimensional endorsement agreement. The efficacy of Zog has been empirically established among life forms with various chemical dependencies in over 3,200 star systems to date.

That your Subsector's Interdimensional Resonance Council has adopted measures to accommodate a successful intergalactic transition in what may appear to be a general absence of public consultation or debate should not be perceived as an impediment to your enthusiastic embrace of continued oscillations between this minimally-random second-order hypersurface and your customary space-like hypersurface. Research repeatedly shows that orderly error is far preferable to complex truth (most especially when well-orchestrated).

In most cases, the physical properties of your helix will ensure your continued synchronization with the quantum gravitation waves emanating from your galactic center, which have themselves been synchronized with the Universal Conduit since the First Reigning Zolthar of Abfnomnibous The Elder, all glory to Ortsyamimag!

No further notices will be issued on this matter absent direct consumer request. Please press 1 to speak with an Officer's Representative, or stay on the line to return to your regularly-scheduled programming.





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Transmission 181532-BCCA

Humans. I am Zargoth of Nompiton 4, homeworld of Ikbaz Tibulious, vanquisher of conduit armies at Zurr. I have come into your midst by interplanetary travel. Like the grains of desert sands are the stars I have crossed to arrive at your blue oasis, kind Earth.

[13 SEC. DATA BURST]

I have cooled myself in your soft waters, bathed in the light of your moon. Gentle have your green grasses been, tender the shade of your trees. Colors I've seen, your vibrant song, [UNINTELLIGIBLE] lonesome for the incandescent gardens of Eluria, tendril'd and weeping methane dew in dark morning.

[8 SEC. DATA BURST]

[3 SEC. SILENCE]

Please send 5*10^50 atoms of hydrogen to each of the five star systems listed below. Then, add your own system to the top of the list, delete the system at the bottom, and send out copies of this message to 100 other solar systems. If you follow these instructions, within 0.25 of a galactic rotation you are guaranteed to receive enough hydrogen in return to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum!

Zentholiptus Mons Alpha
Albadaeour Platista Embogio Qj
ANTERIOR MPTHALALMANAPATUS
bordoule
Semisamtholes Prime, Deanathjyaaur Province

[8 SEC. DATA BURST]

[MESSAGE REPEATS AT AN INTERVAL OF 794,243,384,928,000 PERIODS OF THE RADIATION CORRESPONDING TO THE TRANSITION BETWEEN THE TWO HYPERFINE LEVELS OF THE GROUND STATE OF THE CAESIUM-133 ATOM.]

Life Reduces to Paperwork: Filling Out Forms.

Forms are profitable: Earth-Humans filling out forms about their Earth-Human body-histories, or filling out forms about forms other Earth-Humans have filled out about their own Earth-Human body-histories, or about other forms. The more creative Earth-Humans can fill in nonsense. Just so long as the content of the forms is either perfectly organized or completely disorganized. Anything in between is too unpredictable to be consistently profitable (i.e., if an Earth-Human's statistical construct lies beyond the standard deviation, the statistical margin of error, or the market demands of the consumers of any forms filled out in order to obtain other forms).





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